My hands are covered with time

My Work Computer is Like an Old Person
By DRH

I have named my work computer Elmer. I have chosen this unfortunate moniker not because of any love for the name Elmer or because I wish to demean and degrade my work computer. No, Elmer is my work computer's name because my work computer shares so many characteristics with your average old person. And Elmer is an old person's name. "But wait!" I hear you gasp, "Elmer may be slightly older than the average work computer, but the similarities with an older person must end there!" But no, you don't know Elmer. You see this has nothing to do with Elmer's physical age; it has everything to do with Elmer's temperament and habits. We'll start with the obvious:

1. Elmer is grouchy and stubborn – Care to open a pdf file? Elmer doesn't like pdf files. Yes, Elmer will let you open it, but only after flashing an incomprehensible warning across the screen. And Elmer won't move any further until you let Elmer know that yes, you got his warning about pdf's and you STILL (foolishly) want to read your pdf.
2. Elmer likes to take things slow – Oh, Elmer will close windows and documents, but don't rush him. Elmer likes to move at his own speed. So if it is 4:50 and you want to successfully close out all your applications by 5:15, well too damn bad. Elmer will not be rushed.
3. Elmer has strong and irrational prejudices – Elmer hates California. I've never been able to get at the root cause for this intense loathing of Elmer's, but every time I go to the state of California's website, Elmer reacts first by freezing his screen with rage. When Elmer gains enough control of himself to act, he cruelly closes down every open Internet window I have. In my time working with Elmer, I have learned it's best to just leave California alone.
4. Elmer needs an afternoon nap – Everyday, like clockwork, Elmer gets a little crankier than usual around 2pm. He starts forgetting things; he starts to make weird noises; and he starts to do things that just don't make sense. You see, Elmer needs a nap. After turning Elmer off and restarting, he's good to go again, but without his afternoon nap, Elmer's old agey-ness really begins to show.
5. Elmer distrusts and fears new technology – Elmer is old-timey, and as such is made very uncomfortable by new-fangled technology. Elmer does grudgingly coexist with "the interweb" (as he calls it), but that's about as far as it goes. Youtube? Radio on the Internet? Java script? Thank you, no (Elmer crankily says). Elmer doesn't understand them and Elmer doesn't work with them.