Christmas is Coming

Because Christmas is just around the corner, I thought I’d add my contribution to the Christmas cheer by listing my favorite and least favorite Christmas gifts received prior to age 12. It should be noted that this list is written in hindsight. This means that some of the gifts that may have elicited the strongest reactions at the time, but that then failed to live up to expectations (I’m looking at you Masters of the Universe Mutant Slime Pit), will not be included.

Let’s start with the worst of the bunch:

• Sweaters (various years) – Always (ALWAYS) my least favorite gift. Now, clothes in general were rarely a DRH-favorite come the holidays, but it always seemed that sweaters represented the greatest disconnect between what I thought was cool and what my parents thought I needed.
• Gifts From Certain Branch of the DRH Family That Will Go Unnamed (Annual) – every year I was presented with a gift from a certain distant branch of the family that was sure to cause me confusion followed by anger. The confusion began because it always took a really long time to figure out just what, in fact, they had given me. It was always clear that in a futile effort to interest me in science (or crap, not sure which) they limited their Christmas shopping for me to the remainder bin at the local science museum gift shop. Rightly or wrongly, once I discovered that the contraption they gave me was designed to illustrate the conversion of heat or light into energy (which is what they always did), I did not even attempt to hide my scorn. Even at that young age I knew deep down that these gifts were an affront to everything Christmas was about.
• Electric Slide album (1989) – this tape makes the list not because I didn’t want to own the song by Marcia Griffiths that spawned a dance craze; I did. Unfortunately, my parents bought me the wrong tape. I remember clearly the slow, but horrifying realization, as I made it through side 1 that this was not the Electric Slide (boogy, woogy, oogy) song I knew, but some inferior rip off. I was not pleased.
• Leather Jacket (1992) – This is an interesting one because it was actually a gift for my sister (KSHM), not me. Nonetheless, the fallout from this gift was so traumatic that it qualifies for this list. I have no desire to go into all the sordid details of this sad affair, but briefly:

1. October 1, 1992: Beloved sister sets heart on a her jacket for Christmas
2. November 5, 1992: Doting parents buy sister leather jacket for Christmas
3. November 12, 1992: Sister comes to conclusion that leather jackets are lame
4. November 12 – December 25, 1992: Sister fails to tell anyone of this change of heart
5. December 25, 1992: Sister is presented with leather jacket for Christmas
6. December 25, 1992 – March 1994: Crying, anger, and recriminations. Oh, the anger.

• Woman’s basketball (1993) – This one’s pretty straightforward. I wanted a new basketball for Christmas. Whilst shopping for this gift, it struck my father that regulation basketballs seemed a trifle large for a small boy of 12, while a women’s basketball seemed a little more manageable for my elf-like hands. Clearly, my father forgot one of the golden rules of Christmas gifts: no matter how well intentioned boys of 12 never (NEVER) want toys or other products specifically designed for girls.

Ok, that was a little longer than anticipated, so I’ll save the triumphant sequel (Favorite Christmas Gifts up to Age 12) for my next post.